The Hijacker Called Covid-19
Today is her birthday. Was her birthday. Past tense. Forevermore her life was, no longer is; so past tense. She’s gone. Passed away. Dead. She died just short of her 56th birthday. Thirty-seven days ago death hijacked life’s journey I expected to take with my wife Christy and put me on another path. The one without her on it. The one all widowed spouses travel. I’ve never done this before, this widow thing, but I saw my father and others navigate life after the death of a spouse. Same path. Different journeys.
I have certain expectations about what the upcoming weeks and months will be like for me. I suspect a combination of time alone in self-reflection as I replay scenes from our lives together. Tears. Lots of tears. Restless sleep because I can’t turn my mind off, and also the sweet human connection spent in the company of friends when I feel I need it.
But in these early weeks of my grief, this coronavirus called Covid-19 hijacks my grieving process. Social distancing keeps my support system in their homes and me in mine. We gather in Zoom rooms creating happy hour experiences and use FaceTime and Skype as a substitute for social gatherings because we need more than just a cellphone conversation. One evening, fourteen faces of college sorority sisters in a expansive Brady Bunch view are giddy that we have managed this technological feat. We were scheduled to gather at my home the last weekend in March which we dubbed March Madness. I looked forward to being twenty again without the poor choices twenty year old me would make. I looked forward to being vulnerable in the hugs they promise to shower me with upon learning of Christy’s passing. That night at our first virtual ADE Porch Party I’m showered with virtual hugs. But they are not the same.
I want my college sorority sisters descending on Florida to be here instead of canceling their plans. I want the work colleagues who I met 20 years ago that I now calls friends to spend my upcoming birthday weekend at my house just as we planned. I want to drive to my best friend’s house and hangout in front of the television watching sports. I want to stop by a favorite local restaurant, sit at the bar and order dinner. I want our home filled with family and friends in a few weeks for the Celebration of Christy’s Life I’ve planned.
I want. I want. I want. I want. I want.
But in my want, I’m confronted with life’s reality others are facing and I categorize my disappointments in my psyche as inconveniences. Christy and I always played the hand we were dealt. We’d gotten good at it. There was always someone worse off than us. This collective attitude of ours enabled us to cope over the years with her declining health. There was never “why is this happening” but “how do we adjust”. Through the news and social media, I see Covid-19 hijacking all of our lives and turning each of us in to hijacked travelers. It is causing an entire planet to adjust. Had Christy survived two more weeks my reality could have been the ones fellow citizens are enduring as this virus sweeps through our nation.
I don’t want the decision on whether someone can be put on a ventilator to be driven by a lack of ventilators. A respiratory technician takes me in to the ICU storage room where at least a dozen ventilators are lined up. She walks me over to one of the machines and explains how it works. We meet the doctor in the hallway as we exit. I look at him. “Okay, put her on the ventilator”.
I don’t want people dying in the ICU without their families because hospitals visitations are suspended. There are so many friends and family members visiting Christy in her last days that we limit ourselves while we rotate visitors between the waiting room and her ICU room.
I don’t want doctors, nurses and technicians standing in proxy for a loved one as they hold the hands of their dying patients while putting a phone to their ear so loved ones can say goodbye. She couldn’t communicate but she knew I was at her bedside. How did I know? If I stopped holding her hand, her arm lifted until I wrapped my hand around hers again.
I don’t want people to have to die in the hospital instead of in their homes. Hospice arranges for me to take Christy home via ambulance. A hospice nurse is waiting for us. Christy dies at home three hours later surrounded by her family.
I don’t want families live streaming funerals and mourning in isolation because this virus limits gatherings. The funeral home representative arrives at our home somewhere around 2am. I leave him with the hospice nurse to attend to Christy’s body. When he is finished, he wheels a gurney into the hallway. Her body rests beneath a velvet shroud. He tells me her head is resting on a pillow. A pillow she doesn’t need. A pillow she doesn’t feel. But this wasn’t for her comfort but for mine; a way to tell me he would take care of my loved one. I appreciate the gesture. Our families are gathered in the living room. They stand as the gurney is wheeled out the front door. I walk behind the gurney and follow it down our walkway, mindful this is her final journey from our home, from this place she loved so much.
I grieve in a Covid-19 world. I don’t want to have my grief put into perspective – DAMN IT! I just want to grieve my loss in the way I expected I’d be able too, but along with everything else Covid-19 hijacks, my grieving process is just another casualty.
“Expectation is the root of all heartache”
William Shakespeare
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Please share in the comment section what this worldwide pandemic has hijacked in your life.
Elaine D Walsh
Mom. Lesbian. Blogger. Writer. Theater & history nerd. Travel junkie. Wine lover. Spiritual soul on a journey
18 Comments
Stephanie MacIntosh
There is nothing that Covid-19 has hijacked from my life that even compares with what has been taken from you “pre” Covid-19. But that (cancelled) trip to visit you is a biggie. That trip that when we first planned it, well, I had looked forward to meeting Christy. And then after she’d passed we all had so dearly hoped to spend some time with you. Elaine, my heart breaks for you and I am sorry that you can’t grieve in the company of others. I so admire the positives you are seeing in this. All of the things you said are logical and true, but you still have a right to grieve, and to grieve in a “normal” way…a way that isn’t possible right now. Sending you love and light and virtual hugs – just for now until I can give you real hugs again.
Elaine D Walsh
Thank you. Looking forward to the real things…hugs to you as well.
Linda Rumore
You’ve put into words your grief, and it sad but it is the reality all of us one day will face when we lose our spouse, Grief is never a easy road, I’ve traveled many times down that path with not a spouse, but many of my love ones. I remember when your Mom passed away, the grief was there then as well….they say time heals but it doesn’t , we just put our sorrows in a neat little, package that every once in a while without warning it opens up… you’ve also touched many points about the details we all remember in the final moments of the person leaving
us , and while it might not be important to the people who are also present , it is important to you And that’s what matters. They say that the only way to honor the person who is gone is to move forward, because that’s what the person would want you to do, that too I have my thoughts , it’s the everyday things that Im sure aren’t the same for you Elaine, because the everyday is not the same because Christy isn’t there and she was everyday ! The new life is what is now the future, and I know Christy was the type of loving person who would most likely say to you Time will heal the pain, and one day you’ll see me again, and you will, it won’t be anymore pain and sorrow, but lots of joy and hugs I’m sure ! People will be here for you , but in all we can say and do, it’s not going to change the loss, cause no one can take her place, and with this Covid 19 timing it’s not helping the process either, as well as when this is all past us, we will deal with a new normal, as you will too! The future is nothing we can avoid we can’t live in the past, even though we would like to at times, but being the writer you are Once this safer at home restriction is over it will be time to turn the page, and look forward to the chapters that your story will have !
Elaine D Walsh
Linda, thank you for your words. I look forward to connecting with you in our post-covid world.
Stacey
So beautifully written. Some parts I was able to connect to with losing a loved one, watching those final moments. The difference is mine was not my spouse. I can only imagine the pain. I know with what is going on right now it is hard to grieve and be with those you love. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Always remember that Christy is with you.
As for the impact of Covid19 on my family and I, it is scary. I find myself even more concerned with everything that I touch, packages being delivered, grocery pickup, the neighbor dropping something off. I am constantly saying, I need to wash my hands, did you wash? We have a quarantine zone in the garage for packages and food from the store. Colds get wiped with antibacterial wipes. Then I wonder, when they say it’s back to normal how do I know it is safe for me? Will life return to “normal” and what will normal mean for me and my family. Living life with an autoimmune disease will be different going forward. One day at a time is all we can do. Take care my friend.
Elaine D Walsh
Thank you. Stay safe.
Donna stackhouse
Elaine,
I am so sorry to hear this.Stay strong my friend. I send you long hugs and prayers.
❤💛💙
Elaine D Walsh
Thank you – stay safe.
Jodi
So beautifully written. I can’t imagine going through this sort of grief in this current pandemic. I’m a respiratory therapist and we have not peaked yet but only having work and home makes you appreciate home but makes you realize how much you take for granted as well. Family and home, impossible to replace but that’s what gives us the strength to get up and do what we must do. Light and love to you and your family. ❤️
Elaine D Walsh
Jodi, I am sure there is a bit of fear when you go to work each as a respiratory therapist. Stay safe.
Michelle
Just the other day as I was cleaning out the room my mom stayed in our home I found many books I gave her to read. Two of them were yours. As I picked them up I thought of you and your grief and wondered if you were writing after your loss or possibly writing would be therapy for you. Today the answer came through and though difficult as it maybe for you; your words make us all think about our families and how COVID-19 has hijacked our lives. You asked how it hijacked our lives. For me, I wasn’t able to finish settling my mom 82 yrs old into her new community. I got her safely moved and prepared for a month or two of isolation which was difficult. Covid-19 delayed getting her help from Visiting Angels. Literally one day made the difference. As I was suppose to meet and sign a contract they called and said they were in emergency mode and no new clients. So I had to leave my mom in PA with no weekly help. I have an aunt who is high risk for Covid-19 trying to help but I try not to rely on her so she stays safe. I like many families with elderly parents and grandparents call daily and FaceTime her (though she’s still learning and sometime we lose her camera). Her community is locked down no visitors except for necessities. She is alone, can’t have her friends or family visit her new home; we have to keep her safe since she is also high risk. So yes, it’s hijacked the opportunity for my mom to move on from the death of my father in a new place that should of brought her excitement to meet new neighbors and to see her friends and family she has been away from for a year. Now she’s alone, literally the first time she’s lived alone in her 82 yrs of life. I tell her make sure if the sun is shining and warm to get outside but she tells me she doesn’t want to. So I hope this is over soon so I can fly back and get her outside to meet neighbors, see family and friends and maybe even plant a small flower garden in front of her home. I want to make her new home a happy place to be. My difficulties do not compare to the grief you feel but maybe my story distracted your mind for a minute or two. I pray that this virus leaves our country as fast as it appears and we all can repair our lives. Like you wrote on your book cover, “When your life is shattered, you can live damaged or repair it.” May God give you the strength to repair yours. ❤️🙏🏻
Elaine D Walsh
Michelle, my grief is no greater or lesser than someone else’s. We all experience life, love and grief differently. What you described is very raw and painful. A difficult transition for a wife who has lost a husband and daughter unable to be there to help her through this difficult transition. Good bless you, your family and your mother. We’ll get through this and we’ll share our joys, sorrows and small victories along the way. With love – Elaine
Tracey Corn
My friend I love you and Christy so much. Even though she would put the kibosh on some
of our fun I always felt better knowing Christy was there , saving us from ourselves. The world just doesn’t seem right without her in it but it sure is better because she was. Your words for her are so beautiful just like the life that you two built, full of love. Looking forwards to celebrating her life with you soon . 💕
Elaine D Walsh
I am glad the friendship of our daughters brought our lives together. Glad to call you friend. Off the chain without Christy to keep us in line. What are we going to do?
Annette Damey
While I have no story at the present time about how Covid-19 has hijacked a part of my life (thank God) since all of my travails are minor, I did want to share one thought. Throughout our lives, as we go from job to job or community to community, we meet new friends along the way. But most of those friends don’t “leave” even though we have made new ones. I know I haven’t actually seen you in some time now, but that doesn’t diminish the friendship that we have. I hope you feel the same and that our friendship gives you some comfort in this sad time. Perhaps when this is all over we can get together and celebrate the years that we have known each other. Hugs to you and Courtney.
Elaine D Walsh
Annette, thank you. I life’s journey, I am so grateful for the friendships and relationships built along the way. Looking forward to connecting when we are on the other side of this pandemic. Peace and love to you and your family. Elaine
Vicki Smith
This pandemic has taken the joy of seeing young children every day! I am so blessed to have a 30+ year career doing something that makes me so happy!
My greatest loss was my mom- and even after almost 18 years the pain is still very real- I cannot imagine the void of losing someone you chose to love, made a vow with and had so much to look forward to!
I’ve made so many mistakes in my past and that I have been forgiven and allowed to have a second chance at treasured friendships is nothing short of a miracle!
Elaine D Walsh
It has been a pleasure to reconnect with you in our post college lives and to know the woman you have grown into and grown comfortable being.