Ambushed
March 12, 2020. 12 days after. My tears are like a book tucked away on a shelf. I am content not to check them out. They are obedient and under control. Obedience. Control. I can function if I can control the waves of emotion rising up in me. I am on autopilot. Cruise control. Going through the motions. Moving through each day. Getting by. But today, this book flings itself off the shelf, spills open and demands its story told.
Christy’s iPhone vibrates. I’ve watched other calls light up the home screen, usually spam calls leaving no message. Something about the numeric sequence of this call leads me to swipe the answer bar on the phone “hello”. “Hello, is this Christy?” I am on guard. “Who is this?”, I ask. The female voice on the other end of the phone identifies herself as someone from the insurance agency handling our home and auto insurance. She asks if I am Christy. “No, I’m Elaine. I’m her spouse.” “This is so & so from XYZ insurance calling about your upcoming auto policy renewal…” The female voice on the other end of the phone launches into what the auto renewal will be, a quote from another company and other financial detail of words I recognize but struggle to invest myself into comprehending.
Pay attention, I tell myself. This is my job now. Everything is my job now. Christy took care of the household; all of the bills, the finances, services we hired to maintain things and fix things. In these past few years she could do less physically, so I handled the chores requiring breath and she managed the tasks her very capable mind easily mastered.
When the faceless pleasant voice on the phone pauses, I explain Christy passed away twelve days earlier. My voice unexpectedly quivers. No, no, no. Don’t do this. It’s just insurance. Stop it. Reflexive sympathetic words tumbles out of the agent’s mouth. She doesn’t know me. She doesn’t know Christy – she’s a stranger.
This call needs to end. I need to make sure the vehicles are covered – she’s a stranger.
I need to make sure the house is covered – she’s a stranger.
I need to make sure there’s an umbrella policy is in place – she’s a stranger.
We finish up the awkward business conversation now seeded with the most personal raw part of my life oozing into the wound opening between us. I give her my contact information. My phone number. Christy’s phone doesn’t need to wake up to these details sitting behind the vibrating ring. This was her domain. But that was before. Before. Before she died. The vibrating phone announced this was now my responsibility. Tears escape me carried by a wailing fed with agony. Oh god, oh god, oh god. My souls is in pain. Where is this coming from? Why am I wailing? Why is she dead? Why am I doing this? Why am I crying? These household business details belong to her; not me. She is gone. I am not. I am broken.
All day long the news bleats about coronavirus. The US stock market suffers the worst day since 1987. The world as we know it is collapsing all around us and so am I.
The grieving understand how tears can ambush without warning. Things reminding us of our loss trigger them: a song, a picture, a scene in a movie, anything that taps into the space where memories reside. I wrote this blog twelve days after Christy passed away. I was raw. My pain was raw. This blog reflects that rawness. It is now 3 months since grief hijacked my life. Tears come at unexpected times just as they did on this day but I don’t fight them. I can say the words “Christy passed away” without my voice quivering.
Main Photo by Aliyah Jamous on Unsplash
Does grief sneak up on you? What triggers your tears to fall?
Elaine D Walsh
Mom. Lesbian. Blogger. Writer. Theater & history nerd. Travel junkie. Wine lover. Spiritual soul on a journey
5 Comments
Annette Damey
Oh, Elaine, you have once again accurately described how our emotions can be triggered by something so innocuous, like a phone call. After my father died (in October many years ago), I thought I was able to process it and, like you, put my tears somewhere hidden. Then I went shopping for Christmas cards for my family. Looking at the “Dad” cards on the shelf was unbearable and my tears started to flow uncontrollably. I’m sure anyone who was in the store at that time either thought I was nuts, but perhaps there were others who were dealing with a loss as well. When we have a loving relationship with someone, eventually the good thoughts overtake the sad ones, but they really never go away completely. Hugs to you.
Elaine D Walsh
Sometimes after a good cry I feel better!
Linda Rumore
I wish my sweet friend I could say that it wont happen again that emotion, that sadness, that grief, those tears, but
I am not the type of person to tell you nothing but the truth ! Christy will always be a part of your heart, your memories and your thoughts, does it get easier over time , yes it does, but does it go all away no ! I have lost loves ones, over the years and sadly certain places, things and memories bring me back to the thoughts of how long they have been gone, as well as How long since I heard their voice, or held them in a hug ! I haven’t lost a spouse as you have but I can say when Phillip had his 2 cardiac arrest , and was told the next one could be his last one and I am already grieving that and he is still alive, so I cant imagine what day for me will be like ! over the years, my Nannie who has been gone over 28 yrs , still makes me so emotional , especially around certain holidays and seasons, Spring was her favorite and last month I cried a river for over a week, because I came across the last birthday card she gave me in her Italian writing ! then there my uncle who is been gone over 23 yrs who when I look up at his photo of him and my aunt in front of their first Florida home when they moved from NY to Florida , the photo even though a joyful one reminds me that he was gone 8 months after he moved into his Florida Oasis as he nicknamed it ! Im very thankful for modern Technology though because when my mom passed away 2 yrs ago I recorded her voicemail message on her answering machine and I can listen to it when I start missing her, its surreal but it helps ! Since I was 40, Ive pray that God takes me first so I don’t have to endure the sadness and grief of losing my spouse, my siblings, or my children or Grandsons , but I know its not my choice in the this journey called life ! I know that one day like all of us we will see and be reunited with those we loved and have passed on, and what a glorious joyful day that will be ! know that grieving is what we all experience and if the table was turned Im sure Christy would be going thru what you are and feeling the same way, Love never dies, its always near us and in us, and the love that we have with our loved ones, are special memories that we all cherish and when the tears come, let them flow, cause one day when you meet with Christy again the tears will be tears of joy ! Love you my friend !
Nancy Young-Wood
Ambushed: That’s for sure and it happened and still happens: it’s mysterious and prey’s when we are not aware. The grocery store when I walked by Tom’s Miller Light. The changing of names and accounts went on for three years. Strangers who knew Christy and Tom but not us, their spouses. Elaine, you are aware and for that I am grateful. I, as you know went down the rabbit hole. Overwhelmed, shocked and mad at the world. Are hearts hurt until we turn to God and turn our will over to him. He then lightens the burden and pain. Christy is with God guiding you on a Journey for you and Courtney. The first year is unexplainable, and took my breath away. One day at a time, and some days a minute at a time. I love you and always have an ear for the best COACH, MENTOR anyone could ask for. Keep on blogging we need to your honesty. ❤️🤗💕🙏🏻
Elaine D Walsh
Thank you. Glad you took the time to read and to comment. You’re a special lady.